{"id":664,"date":"2018-07-12T12:52:04","date_gmt":"2018-07-12T19:52:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/?p=664"},"modified":"2018-07-12T12:52:04","modified_gmt":"2018-07-12T19:52:04","slug":"dear-diary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/?p=664","title":{"rendered":"Dear Diary"},"content":{"rendered":"

When given pills to help with his aggression, a man finds himself changing more than his attitude.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, January 4th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

Dear diary,<\/p>\n

Fuck you.\u00a0 And fuck you too, Dr. Swalley.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Friday, January 12th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever done, I swear to god.<\/p>\n

Fine.\u00a0 Fine.\u00a0 For Kiera.<\/p>\n

“You don’t talk much, Tony,”<\/em> she says.<\/p>\n

I mean, no shit.\u00a0 What’s there to talk about?\u00a0 I just get mad, okay?\u00a0 Who doesn’t?\u00a0 It’s all bullshit.\u00a0 Trying to keep ahead, listening to your coworker’s crap, all those fuckin’ people on the road that don’t know how to drive.\u00a0 Kiera bitching and moaning about her friends and her job and how I need to be better with her.<\/p>\n

She’s been with me a couple years.\u00a0 She should’ve known I had a shitty day especially after I told her to lay off with her noise.\u00a0 But she kept pushing and pushing.<\/p>\n

“What’s wrong, Tony? \u00a0Rough day, Tony?\u00a0 Boss on your ass, Tony?\u00a0 Share your fucking feelings, Tooooony.”<\/em><\/p>\n

Alright.\u00a0 So maybe not those last parts but fuckin’ basically.<\/p>\n

Okay, okay.\u00a0 She’s a good woman.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 I shouldn’t.\u00a0 I shouldn’t have hit her.\u00a0 All that noise just built and built and she was right there in my face.\u00a0 I apologized, dammit.\u00a0 Tried to hold her when I calmed down but, okay, yeah.\u00a0 She didn’t want me to touch her.\u00a0 Figured she needed to cool off so I went out.<\/p>\n

Came home at some point.\u00a0 Night time.\u00a0 What does it matter?\u00a0 Didn’t notice all her shit was gone until I woke up.\u00a0 Well, most of her shit.\u00a0 I swear to god women fuckin’ hide their clothes like fuckin’ squirrels packing away food for the winter.\u00a0 Two fucking years, man.\u00a0 I gave her two years.\u00a0 Treated her right.\u00a0 Bought her things.\u00a0 Took her out.\u00a0 Listened to her talk about her friends.\u00a0 Kelly and that other girl.<\/p>\n

So I drank some more.\u00a0 And called her, I guess.<\/p>\n

Here I am.\u00a0 Therapy.\u00a0 The dumbest shit.\u00a0 What’s there to talk about, anyway?\u00a0 Kiera just needs to toughen up and learn to pay attention.\u00a0 To just give me some space and fucking quiet when I need it.\u00a0 But I guess this is better than Kiera going to the cops.\u00a0 Which is a whole other can of BS.\u00a0 We made a deal and I talk to a therapist and she maybe comes back.<\/p>\n

No, I don’t talk much, Dr. Swalley.\u00a0 I don’t share my “feelings” and I ain’t repressing any damn thing.<\/p>\n

Now I gotta write this stupid journal.\u00a0 Hand write.\u00a0 Not type.\u00a0 My fucking hand hurts.\u00a0 Gonna hit the gym until I can’t think anymore.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Wednesday, January 17th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Talked about my old man today just to make Dr. Swalley shut up.\u00a0 I watched her nod with her prissy little glasses and take notes every time I said he raised his voice or beat my ass.\u00a0 I’m not stupid<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 I know what she’s looking for and what that means.\u00a0 My father disciplined me.\u00a0 Oh, I’m sorry.\u00a0 He abused<\/em><\/strong> me as a child so now I got anger problems.<\/p>\n

For fucks sake.\u00a0 That’s what’s wrong with people these days.\u00a0 They go around worrying about feelings and hurting people.\u00a0 We’re churning out a bunch of pussies that are gonna fall real damn hard when they’re out in the real world and outside of their little warm cocoons.<\/p>\n

The. World. Does. Not. Give. A. Shit.<\/p>\n

I mean, look at my mom.\u00a0 She stuck around through all of it because she was raised in that generation.\u00a0 I raise my voice at Kiera and she tucks tail and runs.<\/p>\n

Still, last session took a good fucking turn because guess who got some drugs out of it?<\/p>\n

Me.\u00a0 Little happy pills.\u00a0 With a side of scotch for a right proper fuckin’.\u00a0 Just like college.\u00a0 I swear to god Dr. Swalley’s eyes lit up when I agreed to take them.\u00a0 Little does she know.<\/p>\n

Recliner? \u00a0Check.<\/p>\n

Pills?\u00a0 Check.<\/p>\n

Scotch?\u00a0 Check.<\/p>\n

Here’s to you, doctor.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Thursday, January 18th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Home early today.\u00a0 Had a really fuckin’ nice night, all smooth and mild and floaty until I passed right the hell out.<\/p>\n

Cramps when I woke up.\u00a0 Pretty fucking bad. Sat on the toilet sweating bullets until my legs fell asleep.\u00a0 Kinda felt a little better so I got dressed and went in.<\/p>\n

Sat through the morning review.\u00a0 My numbers are looking good this month so far.\u00a0 But, Jesus, those cramps just came back like little drills in my guts, man.\u00a0 Groaned, grabbed my stomach and barely made it to the bathroom in time to throw up.\u00a0 Chuck even came in to check on me.\u00a0 Who fuckin’ does that?\u00a0 I’m in there puking my guts out and you’re gonna ask if I’m feeling okay?\u00a0 You need me to puke on your fuckin’ shoes to see that I’m not fucking feeling okay, Chuck??<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Told him to piss off and he left.<\/p>\n

There’s no warning label on the pill bottle.\u00a0 It’s just a label with my name written on it.\u00a0 Dr. Swalley’s not answering her goddamn ph-<\/p>\n

Fuck.\u00a0 Whoa.\u00a0 Fuck.\u00a0 The, uh, the cramps went away all of a sudden and I’m feeling pretty fucking good.\u00a0 Everything’s all tingling and I can’t stop rubbing my tongue against the top of my mouth.\u00a0 This is some good shit.\u00a0 Probably just fucked up by drinking with it.\u00a0 Shit.\u00a0 I can’t stop touching myself.\u00a0 Like that time I took ecstasy at the club.\u00a0 Fuckin’ wish Kiera was here right now because I’ve got the biggest goddamn boner I’ve ever had.\u00a0 Gonna just take care of this bad boy real quick.<\/p>\n

Back, haha, fuck.\u00a0 Three fuckin’ times.\u00a0 I think that’s a new record.\u00a0 Gonna ask Dr. Swalley about side effects when I leave in a second.\u00a0 Man, this is some good shit.<\/p>\n

There’s four pills left.\u00a0 I’m supposed to take one every other day but, haha, fuck that.<\/p>\n

Two little pills down the hatch.\u00a0 Heading off to see the doctor and I’ll just beg for some more.\u00a0 I’ll just whine and pout like a good little boy and tell her how good my feelings are because of the pills.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Friday, January 19th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

It’s a fucking boutique store.<\/p>\n

I don’t fucking understand.\u00a0 I stood outside on the goddamn sidewalk for ten fucking minutes yesterday, staring at it.\u00a0 Women went inside and came back out like it was no big deal but it’s a fucking clothes store.\u00a0 Tuesday it was the doctor’s office.\u00a0 Three days ago.\u00a0 I was here three days ago.<\/p>\n

“Unique Boutique” is what the letters say on the windows now.\u00a0 The little golden letters are worn – chipped a at the ends here and there.\u00a0 I don’t understand.\u00a0 It looks like it’s been there for fucking years.<\/p>\n

Even with the pills riding my body, I was pissed.\u00a0 Stomped inside, ready to yell and about four women turned to look at me.\u00a0 Shut me right the hell up. These tall blonde and brunette girls in their fancy clothes.<\/p>\n

That’s what a fucking boutique store is – fancy clothes and necklaces and crap.\u00a0 The whole place smelled<\/em><\/strong> like clothes and, fuck if I know. Incense?\u00a0 It just looked like the place belonged there, you know what I’m saying?\u00a0 There’s no fucking way on God’s green Earth that this place set up shop in three days and looked this settled.<\/p>\n

I kinda stepped back and the happy little pills burned away my anger until I could feel it in my ears and cheeks.\u00a0 Goddamn women staring at me.\u00a0 Found the lady that owned the place – arranging things in the corner.\u00a0 Sexy as hell young black woman with these thin dreads pulled up tight in a bun.\u00a0 Wore some long blue dress with a thin scarf looking thing over her shoulders.\u00a0 I think there’s a word for that.\u00a0 Not a scarf but I had to ask her what it was because it was bothering the shit out of me, not knowing the word.\u00a0 It’s a ‘stole’.\u00a0 Fuckin’ women and all their fancy damn clothes.\u00a0 Not good enough to have just jeans and a shirt, no.\u00a0 Looked good, though.\u00a0 On her.\u00a0 I could see why she’d wear it with the dress.<\/p>\n

So I ask and she laughed.\u00a0 Fuckin’ bitch laughed in my face.\u00a0 Said she’d been there for five fuckin’ years and didn’t know anybody in the district named Dr. Swalley.\u00a0 I started to argue with her but I just fuckin’ couldn’t.\u00a0 She asked if anything was wrong and that was worse<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

I don’t remember running out of the place.<\/p>\n

Shit.<\/p>\n

Fuuuck.<\/p>\n

Nobody else is gonna read this so it doesn’t fuckin’ matter.\u00a0 It was the damn pills anyway.\u00a0 I stood inside the bus stop booth and cried like a little bitch.\u00a0 Had to be the goddamn pills.\u00a0 Coming down from the high or something.\u00a0 It was just fuckin’ humiliating is all.\u00a0 She laughed in my damn face and I had to look fucking stupid.<\/p>\n

Fuck this.\u00a0 I’m going to sleep.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Saturday, January 20th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I feel better.<\/p>\n

You know, I thought this whole thing was stupid but here I am on a Saturday morning writing in a fucking diary.<\/p>\n

I tried Dr. Swalley’s number and some guy answered.\u00a0 Deep voice prick asking who I was.\u00a0 Said I had the wrong number.\u00a0 Got pissed when I asked how long he’d had the number.\u00a0 Eight years.\u00a0 Who the fuck was Dr. Swalley?\u00a0 I know I didn’t imagine any of this shit.\u00a0 I’ve still got the-<\/p>\n

Aw fuck.\u00a0 The pills.\u00a0 I thought it was okay since she was a doctor.\u00a0 Doctor therapists give out pills, right?\u00a0 Should they still have the right label on them?\u00a0 Fuck.\u00a0 I mean.\u00a0 I feel good.\u00a0 Even the next day, my body still feels all tingly and alive, you know?\u00a0 Can’t be that fucking bad, can it?\u00a0 I just won’t take any more.<\/p>\n

And speaking of tingling, time to load up some porn and go to town before I hit the gym.<\/p>\n

\n

FUCK.<\/p>\n

I can’t get hard and I’m leaking a little.\u00a0 It’s all clear and not a lot but it’s there.\u00a0 Fuckin’ had my favorite video going, stroking myself and then- fucking nothing.\u00a0 Barely a semi-chub.\u00a0 I pumped my dick until it hurt.\u00a0 I could feel<\/em><\/strong> it, you know?\u00a0 Stirring, moving against me but just limp.<\/p>\n

Almost called into urgent care but I’ll wait a few days and see how it feels.\u00a0 Probably a side effect of the pills that bitch gave me.\u00a0 I’m way too fucking young for this shit.<\/p>\n

\n

You ever just stare at the mirror and get a weird feeling of seeing a stranger?\u00a0 Or just seeing yourself out of your own body in the 3rd person?\u00a0 I used to when I was a kid.\u00a0 Wake up to brush my teeth and just wonder who the fuck I was.<\/p>\n

So there I am, changing in the gym locker room, washing my face and, yeah, I dunno.\u00a0 Probably looked pretty damn stupid standing there, touching my nose and lips but I just- fuck, I don’t know how to say it right.\u00a0 Maybe it’s some weird psychosis thing from the pills or just all the stress or something.\u00a0 At least the zit on my nose went away finally.\u00a0 In fact, my whole face was looking good.\u00a0 Smooth.<\/p>\n

Still tingling.\u00a0 Could feel my dick move a little when I thumbed my lips.\u00a0 Felt good.\u00a0 Just slid my finger along my lips slowly and shivered.\u00a0 Felt real good until I remembered where I was.\u00a0 Acting like a fool in front of the guys.<\/p>\n

The good news is, I’m still losing weight.\u00a0 Shirt was a little loose on me and I had to pull the strings tighter on my shorts.<\/p>\n

Think I gotta take a few rest days, though.\u00a0 Kinda struggled with some of the weights and where I should be at with them.\u00a0 Had a bro come over to spot me on the bar.\u00a0 I was fuckin’ red in the face from shame.\u00a0 I swear to god, some of these fuckers are on steroids.\u00a0 I thought I was doing well and bulking up a little.\u00a0 Well, mostly losing weight and building up some muscle.\u00a0 These guys, though?\u00a0 These assholes are built<\/em><\/strong>.<\/p>\n

After we were done, I asked him how he did it and he lied through his teeth. Just working out, my ass.\u00a0 Still, impressive.\u00a0 Took a breather between sets and watched a group of them moving through the stations.\u00a0 Just so effortlessly.\u00a0 Man, I need to up my game that’s for damn sure.<\/p>\n

Kiera never said it out loud since she’d know I’d be pissed but these doped out fuckers were always her type.\u00a0 I guess I could kinda see why.\u00a0 She’s pretty tiny and any of these guys could probably wrap one hand around her waist and pick her up.\u00a0 She loved being the little spoon.<\/p>\n

Gotta remember to watch where I am.\u00a0 Sat there with a thousand yard stare and I probably looked like a fucking tool.\u00a0 Just, my body still feels good, you know?\u00a0 And, sitting there, in the middle of all the sweat and muscles and women in yoga pants, I could feel my dick actually getting a little hard.\u00a0 All the endorphins in the air or some shit.\u00a0 And the women.<\/p>\n

I should call Kiera tonight.\u00a0 I miss her a little bit.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Sunday, January 21st, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.\u00a0 There was blood on my shirt when I woke up.\u00a0 Took a second to notice but my fucking nipples are bleeding.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Well.\u00a0 Were bleeding.\u00a0 Some dried blood on my chest and nipples.<\/p>\n

My chest is sore, too.\u00a0 Massaging seemed to help (and, okay, felt kinda good) but something’s gotta be wrong.\u00a0 And while I’m listing off the damage, my neck hurts but I think that’s just my shitty pillow again.\u00a0 Tossed and turned all night.\u00a0 Weird dreams but I can’t remember them now.\u00a0 Just woke up sweaty and sore and bleeding from my fucking nipples.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

I don’t want to go out today.\u00a0 I feel gross and tired and I’m in a shitty mood.\u00a0 I thought these damn pills would be out of my system by now but I still want to just cry like a fucking pussy.<\/p>\n

I’m so sorry, Kiera.\u00a0 For all of it.\u00a0 I just don’t know what’s wrong<\/em><\/strong> with me.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Monday, January 22nd, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Hey Diary,<\/p>\n

I’m sorry I told you to fuck off at the beginning.\u00a0 I’m starting to feel like keeping a journal is the only thing keeping me sane.<\/p>\n

So.\u00a0 Here I am in the bathroom at work.<\/p>\n

Do I have to shit?\u00a0 No.<\/p>\n

I just-\u00a0 I just keep getting overly fucking emotional.\u00a0 I fucked up a pretty big order with a customer this morning and got yelled at for it.\u00a0 I couldn’t get angry back like I always do.\u00a0 I felt the anger but then my ears started burning and my face got all hot and-<\/p>\n

I had to bite my lip when I felt the tears starting.\u00a0 Hard.\u00a0 I had to bite hard and blink and just nod my head and take it until I could get up and make a fucking beeline for the bathroom.<\/p>\n

Just finished crying as quietly as possible.\u00a0 God fucking knows now is when Chuck would stop in to check on me.\u00a0 Couldn’t fucking handle it right now if he did.<\/p>\n

My chest still hurts.\u00a0 I keep trying to massage it but it’s tender and my nipples are sore now.\u00a0 I had cotton balls taped\u00a0 on my nipples because my shirt is weirdly loose and it hurt every time the shirt touched them.<\/p>\n

Gotta get back to work.<\/p>\n

\n

What a fucking shitty day.<\/p>\n

I just want to snap at every little damn thing. And then cry about it.\u00a0 So here I am in bed, Diary.\u00a0 TV’s on and a glass of whiskey on the side table.<\/p>\n

It’s freezing outside but I dunno.\u00a0 I’m feeling way too warm.\u00a0 Just sitting here in my underwear in the middle of January.\u00a0 I don’t feel sick or anything; just kinda warm all over.<\/p>\n

Those pills are calling to me.\u00a0 It was easier in college.\u00a0 Drugs fucking everywhere but I stopped taking after I moved away and lost my connections.<\/p>\n

It was just such a shitty day, you know?\u00a0 And the high felt pretty damn good.\u00a0 It’d help take the edge off and let me relax a little.<\/p>\n

Alright, Diary.\u00a0 You convinced me.<\/p>\n

\n

Washed the last two pills down with some whiskey and now I’m sitting waiting for it to work.\u00a0 I think I’ll check around for a dealer after this.\u00a0 Some dumb college kid looking for money or something.\u00a0 They’re always-<\/p>\n

Oh.\u00a0 Oh, there it is.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Fuck.<\/p>\n

Hard for me to describe exactly, Diary.\u00a0 Lemme see.\u00a0 My face first.\u00a0 Like.\u00a0 Uh.\u00a0 That shiver you get right before you get goosebumps.\u00a0 Only electric and warm at the same time.\u00a0 Running my hands along my face makes me wanna squirm a little and even my useless dick feels it.<\/p>\n

But my lips.\u00a0 God.\u00a0 Mostly right there.\u00a0 I love touching them.\u00a0 Feeling my touch on them.\u00a0 Tracing them with my finger and feeling how full and sensitive they are.<\/p>\n

Now I can feel it in my toes and fingers.\u00a0 And the tips of my ears, I think.\u00a0 My hot breath on my fingers sends a shiver down my spine.\u00a0 Fuuuck.\u00a0 I can feel the goosebumps down my arms.<\/p>\n

\n

I’m back again.\u00a0 I took a second there.\u00a0 Look.\u00a0 I get what Dr. Swalley wanted.\u00a0 She just wanted me to write down all the thoughts and feelings and shit I had.\u00a0 Just for me.\u00a0 Nobody else is gonna read this crap.\u00a0 It’s just for me to have someone to talk.\u00a0 To work through my shit without worrying about someone judging me.\u00a0 And I fucking know you won’t judge me.<\/p>\n

One of the best things I loved about X was how everything felt fucking amazing.\u00a0 Me and the girl I was fucking at the time.\u00a0 I wanted to just fucking touch her and have her touch me.\u00a0 Sucking and licking her was amazing when I was on it.<\/p>\n

And let me tell you, this is even better.\u00a0 I put my finger in my mouth and it was incredible.\u00a0 My tongue was all itchy in that good way I can’t explain and my fingers were just alive<\/em><\/strong> with sensations.\u00a0 I couldn’t stop just rolling my tongue over and over against it.<\/p>\n

It was enough to make my stomach ache.\u00a0 Grabbed my dick and pulled at it hard.\u00a0 Fucking frustration.\u00a0 It leaked a little again.<\/p>\n

I- I think I got some in my mouth.<\/p>\n

I mean, it’s just mine so what the fuck ever and I didn’t even notice until I was sucking on my fingers against.<\/p>\n

It was salty, Diary.\u00a0 I wasn’t paying attention and tasted something and it took me a second.\u00a0 It wasn’t bad or anything.\u00a0 Just different.\u00a0 Rubbed it on the roof of my mouth a little until it was gone.<\/p>\n

God, I miss masturbatnig.\u00a0 My balls ache and my stomach hurts but in a weird way that kinda feels good.<\/p>\n

It’s moving now.\u00a0 The tingling.\u00a0 From my fingertips to my arms and down my chest.\u00a0 And my legs!\u00a0 Oh fuck, they feel so<\/em><\/strong> good right now.\u00a0 I can’t stop rubbing and touching my thighs.\u00a0 Hold on.<\/p>\n

\n

I took the cotton balls off.\u00a0 My nipples were throbbing.\u00a0 They look okay, I think.\u00a0 Just really swollen.\u00a0 Sensitive.<\/p>\n

Why did none of my fucking exes ever play with my nipples?\u00a0 Why didn’t I know men’s nipples could even be<\/em><\/strong> sensitive?\u00a0 Because they are.\u00a0 Kinda hurt to just touch them so I got my fingers wet a little.\u00a0 Still feels really good to suck on them, tbh.<\/p>\n

Maybe two pills was overkill but I keep getting hot pulses down my back and chest and everything feels fantastic. \u00a0Even better than that first night.\u00a0 I should’ve kept one pill or taken a picture so I could find out what they were and get some new<\/p>\n

Shit.\u00a0 I got distracted.\u00a0 Anyway.\u00a0 Wet fingers for the win.\u00a0 Felt really good on my swollen, hot nipples.\u00a0 Getting excited just thinking about it again.\u00a0 Just slowly circling them, pressing them down a little, pulling a little, sucking on my fingers to get them wet and doing it all over again.\u00a0 I’m abso-fucking-lutely getting Kiera to do this when she comes back.\u00a0 Makes my guts ache in a good way.<\/p>\n

I started getting a little hard again so I tried masturbating while playing with my nipple.\u00a0 Eyes closed, biting my lip, breathing hard, pinching and pulling and rubbing and I almost came.\u00a0 Almost.\u00a0 God, I could feel the edge of it and even that was an incredible sensation – getting so close to getting off but not able to do it.<\/p>\n

My chest hurts, tho.\u00a0 Fucked with my nipples too much, I think.\u00a0 Gonna massage myself a little and call it a night.\u00a0 Thank god for the pills.<\/p>\n

\n

I CAME!<\/p>\n

It was just a little and I still didn’t get hard but, Jesus Fucking Christ it felt soooo good.<\/p>\n

I was massaging my chest – just kinda squeezing and rubbing the muscles and it felt great.\u00a0 I was just doing that with one hand and touching my legs with the other and I got a semi.\u00a0 Got my fingers wet again and kinda played with my nipple while massaging myself and tugging at my junk.\u00a0 I couldn’t stop moving my legs.\u00a0 My whole body was on fire!\u00a0 I had to cover my face with a pillow because I was breathing too loud and strong and it was embarrassing, you know?\u00a0 But I could feel it coming, finally, after so many days.<\/p>\n

Fuck, Diary.\u00a0 FUCK.\u00a0 I came and it hurt deep in my balls.\u00a0 Hurt and felt so good that I fuckin’ jack-knifed right there in bed and yelled out.\u00a0 I almost ripped the sheets grabbing onto them and my whole goddamn body shook from it.\u00a0 Fuckin’ blue balls.<\/p>\n

Tired now, though.\u00a0 Just sitting here in the afterglow of it.\u00a0 Floating.\u00a0 It wasn’t much cum but I can feel it on my leg. I finally got off.\u00a0 Thank Christ.\u00a0 Sleepy.<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

I tasted myself again.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Something’s wrong, Diary.<\/p>\n

I’m in the bathroom at work again.\u00a0 I’m keeping you real fucking close so nobody reads ANY of this shit.<\/p>\n

My chest was hurting all morning.\u00a0 Throbbing.\u00a0 I’m sitting in the stall again, with my shirt unbuttoned and, I just-<\/p>\n

I fucking got little titties, Diary.\u00a0 No fucking shit.<\/p>\n

Fucking Jonathon made a joke about it being cold while staring at me and I look down to see my nipples pressed hard against my shirt.\u00a0 They’re still fucking swollen and thick.\u00a0 I didn’t put any cotton balls on them today.\u00a0 I fucking should’ve and taped them down again but it just- it just felt real good against my shirt.\u00a0 Made me excited every time I moved and felt it against my nipples.\u00a0 So no fucking wonder they were hard.<\/p>\n

But then my chest started throbbing and got all hot.<\/p>\n

I watched it happen.\u00a0 Unbuttoned my shirt on the toilet and watched.\u00a0 They aren’t pecs.\u00a0 It’s not muscle.\u00a0 It’s like.\u00a0 I was rubbing my chest to make the pain go away and I fucking felt<\/em><\/strong> something move inside.\u00a0 I nearly yelled out-fucking-loud when I saw it happen.\u00a0 Right below my nipples the skin just bulged.<\/p>\n

It was fucking alien.\u00a0 I felt this- this heaviness<\/em><\/strong> inside my chest and something almost snap or move or something and the skin pulled tight and then bubbled out.\u00a0 Just a little bit but enough to be really FUCKING obvious to anyone that sees me shirtless.<\/p>\n

I thought my nipples were just, I dunno, irritated or something but fucking no.\u00a0 I have fucking breasts, Diary!!<\/p>\n

I think those goddamn pills were estrogen pills.\u00a0 She put me on fuckin’ lady pills to make me stop being so aggressive and now I’m fucking sitting here in the bathroom with my shirt open and my little titties out and I’m fucking crying<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0 What kind of bullshit is this?<\/p>\n

\n

I’m okay.\u00a0 Back at my desk with my jacket on and I’m all hunched over.\u00a0 Now I am thankful for losing all that weight recently.\u00a0 Loose shirt is helping to hide my tits.\u00a0 Just gotta ignore the way my undershirt feels when it drags against my nipples.\u00a0 It’s fucking distracting.<\/p>\n

Going to go to the gym when I’m off work and talk to some of the bros about testosterone shots tonight.\u00a0 Thank fucking god I finished those goddamn pills.<\/p>\n

Aw shit.\u00a0 I’m gonna fucking cry again.<\/p>\n

\n

Not going back to the gym again.\u00a0 Need to call and cancel.<\/p>\n

Still too hot in my bed but I just can’t deal with anything right now so I’m fucking hiding under the covers like some middle school kid with a flashlight and my diary.\u00a0 Emotional pussy.<\/p>\n

Got home and that was fine, right? Got dressed and was about to leave for the gym when I look down and see my fucking titties bulging against my chest and my nipples rock hard.<\/p>\n

It’s weird.\u00a0 Fucking disgusting but I mean, I like tits so it was also kinda hot.\u00a0 In a way it’s like, that’s not me, right?\u00a0 That’s some chick and that fucked with my brain a bit.\u00a0 They’re just little titties but my shirt was tight and you could see the curve of them.\u00a0 If you missed that?\u00a0 No worries because my fat nipples would be having a goddamn staring contest with you.<\/p>\n

Almost gave up until I remember Kiera left some of her shit here.\u00a0 So I dug around and found one of her sports bras.\u00a0 With her being as small as she was, I was surprised at how well it fit me but I guess I have lost weight. Still tight enough that they pulled my tits flat.<\/p>\n

Checked myself out to make sure everything looked okay and I’m surprised at how good I look. Pretty slim and smooth.\u00a0 I guess I haven’t been eating as much or drinking beers every night.\u00a0 Stomach is starting to look a little flat.\u00a0 Looks like I’m due for a haircut soon, though. Kinda messy up top.\u00a0 Just put in a reminder on my phone for that since I forgot to earlier.<\/p>\n

Oh.\u00a0 I also stole Kiera’s shorts.\u00a0 They’re that yoga pants shit only in shorts form.\u00a0 Mine were just too tight against my thighs and ass and looked all weird.\u00a0 Hers expand better.<\/p>\n

Okay.\u00a0 I won’t lie to you, Diary.\u00a0 They also felt good on me and that’s the other reason why.\u00a0 It’s like a second skin and I’m still feeling sensitive from those pills.\u00a0 Feels real good but, low key real good you know?\u00a0 Curves right around tight against my ass and thighs.<\/p>\n

Like a secret pleasure.\u00a0 Makes my face hot.<\/p>\n

And, hey, until I get some shots of T, you could barely even see my bulge.<\/p>\n

Shit.\u00a0 I got distracted from what I was saying.\u00a0 The fucking gym.<\/p>\n

So I go and get checked in and start in on the elliptical to warm up.\u00a0 Just kinda zoning out.\u00a0 Kinda easier to do that lately.\u00a0 All good, feeling the burn in my thighs so I figure I’m nice and warmed up and it’s time to find the ‘roid heads.\u00a0 Free weight section as always.<\/p>\n

I make my way over there and give a little nod and a smile to a few guys that smile back.\u00a0 All, “Look at me, I’m just a normal not-cop looking for drugs” you know?<\/p>\n

And Jesus, these guys were fucking built.\u00a0 Made my heart stop a little how big their arms were.\u00a0 Kinda watched them a while, doing curls and pull downs, watching their arms and backs work.\u00a0 Just fucking amazing, you know?\u00a0 Incredible physiques.<\/p>\n

That’s when I caught myself in the mirror.\u00a0 Smiling with my finger on my lips, playing with it and feeling that little thrill of nerves along my mouth and tongue and down my back.\u00a0 I didn’t even know I was doing it.<\/p>\n

You think that’s bad, though?<\/p>\n

I didn’t put another shirt over the sports bra.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

That’s fucking right.\u00a0 I’d forgotten to put my shirt over her bra.\u00a0 I’d been in that goddamn gym just in Kiera’s shorts and top with my stomach showing, working my ass off like some fucking gym bunny.<\/p>\n

IT DOESN’T STOP THERE.<\/p>\n

You could see my titties again.\u00a0 They’re bigger now.\u00a0 Just a little but enough that you can see the bulge even with the sports bra.<\/p>\n

Those bros weren’t being all friendly smiling.\u00a0 They were fucking mocking me standing there like some fucking creepy… thing<\/em><\/strong> with my tits all hanging out.<\/p>\n

I ran.\u00a0 I barely even remember any of it.\u00a0 Not the drive home or anything.\u00a0 Aww fuck, I gotta cry again.<\/p>\n

\n

I can’t sleep.\u00a0 My tits are hot.<\/p>\n

They’re so smooth.\u00a0 They skin around them.\u00a0 They don’t look big – and they fit into my hands but they’re round and silky and it makes me shiver when I touch them and I can’t stop just stroking them.\u00a0 And squeezing them a little.\u00a0 Thumbing my nipples.<\/p>\n

Are they bigger?\u00a0 I’m having another weird body disconnect because I can’t tell if they’re bigger or my hands are smaller.<\/p>\n

I’m so tired and just out of it.\u00a0 I really need some sleep.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Wednesday, January 24th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

IT’S FUCKING GONE, DIARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

FUCK FUCK FUCK I gotta throw up again. Shit.<\/p>\n

\n

My hands are shaking.\u00a0 I just got off the phone with my insurance company.\u00a0 Called into their doctor-over-the-phone thing.\u00a0 Told him my girlfriend had been giving me her estrogen pills as a joke and asked if they could give me breasts and shit.\u00a0 He laughed and told me not to worry about it and to just stop taking them.\u00a0 I wanted to ask him about my dick but I couldn’t.\u00a0 I couldn’t fucking do it so I just hung up.<\/p>\n

Checked the Internet and\u00a0 some of it makes sense.\u00a0 Just some.\u00a0 Like “breast-tissue growth” and more hair (I can feel it tickling my ears now – it’s so thick) and mood swings for all the damn crying but decrease in sex drive and acne and the rest of it?\u00a0 I’m more<\/em> <\/strong>fucking horny than I ever have been and my skin is flawless.<\/p>\n

My dick is gone.\u00a0 FUCKING GONE.<\/p>\n

Okay.\u00a0 No, not gone.\u00a0 It’s shriveled.\u00a0 Like a little weird stump of a thing, just the head barely sticking out of my whatever.\u00a0 Hips.\u00a0 Crotch.\u00a0 I dunno.\u00a0 It hurts to pee and the head is weird and sensitive.\u00a0 The flare around it is gone and it’s all smooth.\u00a0 Everything hurts down there but I’m still horny.\u00a0 It’s distracting.\u00a0 My nipples are throbbing for attention and my breasts ache.<\/p>\n

My balls are still there, at least?\u00a0 Kinda?\u00a0 Hurts to touch them and they seem smaller.\u00a0 Even they<\/em><\/strong> are scared since my ballsack is all shriveled up and hardened.<\/p>\n

Called in sick to work today.\u00a0 They didn’t know who I was at first and thought it was Kiera calling in for me.\u00a0 I had to cough a few times and clear my throat and try again.\u00a0 At least it sounded like I was sick.<\/p>\n

What the fuck am I gonna do?\u00a0 It’s gotta wear off soon, right?<\/p>\n

\n

I had to go to the store for food.\u00a0 I wore two shirts and a sweater.\u00a0 My pants are all weird.\u00a0 Loose except digging into my sides.\u00a0 I feel like I gotta pee all the time but then it hurts when I do and nothing comes out.<\/p>\n

Bought a thicker, smaller sports bra.\u00a0 My fucking face was red the whole time but I can’t ditch work forever.\u00a0 This one will have to do the trick until the estrogen works its way out of my body.<\/p>\n

\n

The cashier called me “Miss”.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Wednesday, January 24th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sleeping naked because I’m too hot.\u00a0 And I like the way the sheets feel.\u00a0 It’s weird sleeping on my side and stomach because of my tits.\u00a0 It’s just unnatural.\u00a0 I hate sleeping on my back so I tossed and turned.<\/p>\n

Woke up to go pee and only a little dribbled out.\u00a0 Still hurts.<\/p>\n

The skin is loose down there.\u00a0 Just slides around and I can pull at it.\u00a0 Helps against the pain a little.\u00a0 Feels really fucking weird, though.\u00a0 Strange counterpoint with all the loose skin versus my shriveled sack.\u00a0 The more I tug at my sack, the looser it feels but I’m having a hard time feeling the balls any more.<\/p>\n

Fuck me.\u00a0 It’s one in the fucking morning and I can’t stop touching my balls.<\/p>\n

Huh.\u00a0 The skin just slid a little.\u00a0 From my sack.\u00a0 Feels all hot down there.\u00a0 Pulsing with my heartbeat.\u00a0 Inflamed.<\/p>\n

Melatonin’s kicking in.\u00a0 Gonna-<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Thursday, January 25th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Called in again but they told me I have to come in later in the afternoon for a big sales meeting.<\/p>\n

I’m so tired, Diary.<\/p>\n

Body just feels heavy and ache-y and my stomach hurts.<\/p>\n

\n

I can’t.\u00a0 I fucking can’t.\u00a0 I can’t say it.\u00a0 I’m done.\u00a0 I’m done writing.\u00a0 I’m sorry, Diary.<\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

I’ve got nowhere else to turn and nobody else to talk to, Diary.<\/p>\n

I’m a fucking junkie.<\/p>\n

In college, I screwed around with drugs a little.\u00a0 No big fucking deal.\u00a0 Tried some shit but was able to put all of it away.<\/p>\n

I can’t stop touching myself.<\/p>\n

My boss called to remind me about the meeting being mandatory and said I could sit in the back by myself if I still wasn’t feeling well.\u00a0 He asked to speak to me twice before I convinced him it was me and not Kiera.\u00a0 My voice keeps cracking.<\/p>\n

Why didn’t I get a fucking haircut when I went out Wednesday?<\/p>\n

I had to put my hair back into a little … thing.\u00a0 I don’t fucking know what you call it.\u00a0 A little tail looking thing.\u00a0 There’s a million fucking hair ties in the apartment because of Kiera and I had enough hair to tie it back and away from my neck and ears.<\/p>\n

Put on two shirts and a hoodie to hide my hair and shit.\u00a0 Not company policy but I’m sick so whatever.<\/p>\n

The new sports bra hurts but it works okay beneath everything else.<\/p>\n

So I’m sitting in the back and it’s okay but I have to keep adjusting myself and moving.\u00a0 My pants are tight against my ass and digging into my crotch so I have to keep pulling it out so it doesn’t hurt.<\/p>\n

But then my fingers start feeling good down there.<\/p>\n

I rubbed myself between the legs.\u00a0 Could feel my balls moving.\u00a0 Well, the sack.\u00a0 It was softer now and felt really good to touch.\u00a0 I just kept pressing and rubbing it and touching myself as quietly as possible while my boss droned on.\u00a0 The skin was all weird and bubbled and swollen and hot and I was breathing fast.\u00a0 Head down.\u00a0 Some of my hair had come out of the tie and was tickling my neck.<\/p>\n

And then something moved.\u00a0 Down there.\u00a0 It- it kinda hurt for a second.<\/p>\n

My fingers slid inside of me (pushing my jeans inside, I mean) and I could feel a wet spot between my legs.<\/p>\n

I fucking moaned <\/em><\/strong>right there in the meeting.<\/p>\n

Froze.\u00a0 Heard some things shuffle around and my boss asked if I was feeling alright.<\/p>\n

God, I could feel the heat in my cheeks.<\/p>\n

And between my legs.<\/p>\n

I sat frozen, gripping my thigh while the wet spot spread.\u00a0 Thank Christ I wore black pants.\u00a0 I just shook my head.\u00a0 Didn’t trust myself to speak.\u00a0 My heart was going so fast, Diary.<\/p>\n

I could smell<\/em><\/strong> myself with my head bowed.\u00a0 I could feel<\/em><\/strong> the how slippery it was down there.\u00a0 I tensed and felt muscles sliding wetly against each other and it was fucking alien and intoxicating at the same time.<\/p>\n

I heard my boss sigh and say they were almost done so I could leave.\u00a0 So I crab walked my way out of there.<\/p>\n

And here I lay.\u00a0 In bed.\u00a0 Naked.\u00a0 Feels soooo good to be out of that bra.\u00a0 So much easier to breathe and to let my titties, shit, I don’t know how to say it but expand?\u00a0 And least not be all squished.<\/p>\n

No, Diary, I wasn’t skimming over anything.\u00a0 I’m not ignoring it.\u00a0 In fact, I’m staring right at it.<\/p>\n

Right at the pussy between my legs.<\/p>\n

The head of my dick is still there.\u00a0 A little smaller.\u00a0 Pointed down a little.\u00a0 Or shifted down.\u00a0 I can’t tell.\u00a0 A thick fold of skin has grown up to cover part of it.<\/p>\n

I like to touch it.\u00a0 The head, I mean.\u00a0 To run my slim fingers around it.\u00a0 Makes me jump a little every time.\u00a0 Squirm a little and breathe a little funny.<\/p>\n

No.\u00a0 I’m still not ignoring it.\u00a0 I can’t.\u00a0 I’m still so wet and it throbs.\u00a0 I can’t ignore it.<\/p>\n

There’s a little pink slit right under the head of my dick.\u00a0 It looks like my sack split in half alongside it.\u00a0 The slit.\u00a0 My pussy.\u00a0 The old skin has folded around it.\u00a0 Folded into little pussy lips.<\/p>\n

I looked it up: Labia Majora.<\/p>\n

We have a little shaving mirror in the bathroom and I used that to see it.\u00a0 Right between my legs.\u00a0 My slit is small and it hurts a little to spread it open but it’s so pink inside.\u00a0 Everything’s coated in clear liquid.\u00a0 My liquid.\u00a0 From inside of me.\u00a0 I can feel some extra skin around the slit and I can’t stop running my fingers along it.\u00a0 Makes me crinkle my toes and bite my lips.<\/p>\n

It’s not stopping, is it, Diary?<\/p>\n

When I was doing my Internet biology assignment, I looked up more stuff on hormonal treatments and things and this isn’t any of it.\u00a0 None of it can take away my dick like that.\u00a0 I’m not stupid<\/em><\/strong>, right?\u00a0 Dr. Swolley’s number isn’t right and her office isn’t even there.\u00a0 Wasn’t there.<\/p>\n

I’m fucked.\u00a0 I’m so fucked.<\/p>\n

But like I said just a bit ago: I’m an addict.\u00a0 I can’t stop touching myself.\u00a0 Tasting myself.<\/p>\n

I’m- I’m excited to put a finger inside.\u00a0 I want to do it.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Saturday, January 27th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/p>\n

Guess who has a clit now? The head of my dick kept shrinking and shrinking until the skin (my hood!) covered it.<\/p>\n

I can feel a few hairs growing down there around my pussy and my little inner lips have finished, too!\u00a0 I think.\u00a0 They’re so small and pink!<\/p>\n

I lost some more weight.\u00a0 And height.\u00a0 My clothes don’t fit at all any more.\u00a0 I measured myself and I’m a little taller than Kiera at 5′ 6″ but I was almost six feet tall before.\u00a0 I’m surprised shrinking like that didn’t hurt more.<\/p>\n

Her clothes fit me but there’s only a few things here.\u00a0 Oh.\u00a0 My hips are wider than hers apparently (!) so I definitely need to go shopping.<\/p>\n

Gotta find a new job, too.\u00a0 Gonna ride out the “sick” card for a few days at work and look around.<\/p>\n

My tits are sore again.<\/p>\n

I hope they get bigger.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Tuesday, January 30th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I got a job!!!<\/p>\n

And that’s not even the best news.\u00a0 But, yeah, job!\u00a0 It’s just a small entry thing but it’s at that clothes (boutique!) store where Dr. Swalley’s office was.<\/p>\n

I’m only stocking and running the register but I’ll get to learn what all the different clothes are called and how they work.<\/p>\n

Tabitha (the owner) didn’t even have me fill out a job application or anything.\u00a0 Which is good since, well, my pictures aren’t me any more.\u00a0 I’m researching what I can do about that.\u00a0 Fingers crossed I can say I went overseas for a sex change operation and get them to just update my info.<\/p>\n

Haha, right!\u00a0 The better news.<\/p>\n

I got a diiiiildooooo.<\/p>\n

This girl’s-<\/p>\n

Fuck.<\/p>\n

I think that’s the first time I automatically thought of myself as a girl.\u00a0 That’s really weird.\u00a0 Huh.\u00a0 I gotta.\u00a0 I gotta take a minute to think about this.\u00a0 Makes me oddly emotional, you know?<\/p>\n

Sorry.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Tuesday, February 20th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Diary,<\/p>\n

I’m so sorry I haven’t written in a while.\u00a0 I guess I had a few days where I was fucked up thinking about everything that happened.\u00a0 I’d been riding the waves of the whole change and got caught up in it.\u00a0 Then I just got caught up in life.<\/p>\n

I’m feeling waaaay better now.<\/p>\n

Oh.<\/p>\n

Haha, for fuck’s sake, I’m blushing and I’m just talking to you.<\/p>\n

Ahhhh.<\/p>\n

His name’s Eric and I have a date tonight.<\/p>\n

\n

I kissed him.\u00a0 I kissed Eric.\u00a0 Holy shit, I kissed him.\u00a0 Holy shit.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Wednesday, February 21st, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I’m still giddy and I have to go to work soon.<\/p>\n

It was such a great time.\u00a0 And weird, too.\u00a0 From seeing the other side of things.\u00a0 People were nicer.\u00a0 I got a lot of looks.\u00a0 I could see it happen from the corner of my eyes and, once I noticed, I started paying more attention and, wow.\u00a0 People stare.<\/p>\n

But Eric!<\/p>\n

He looked really good.\u00a0 Dressed up and everything.\u00a0 We ordered food and just talked.\u00a0 I let him talk most because I haven’t figured out how to change my life’s story too much and get it straight in my head.\u00a0 I just stuck to basics – school and parents and work.<\/p>\n

Veeeery charming. He’s an accountant and shy. Sometimes he’d just stop talking and stare at me a little and then he’d blush and look at his food and it was fucking adorable.<\/p>\n

At the end, he walked me to my car.<\/p>\n

I held his hand and he jumped.\u00a0 It felt really nice.\u00a0 He’s taller than me and smelled really good.\u00a0 When we got to the car, he thanked me and even stuttered!\u00a0 And tried to leave all awkwardly.\u00a0 So I kissed him.\u00a0 It was too fast and weird and I had to stand on my toes (!!) but he put his arms around me for a second and I felt warm.<\/p>\n

When I got home, I masturbated.\u00a0 I thought of him and his arms around me.<\/p>\n

I need to use the dildo more.<\/p>\n

Just in case.<\/p>\n

I’m just- I’m just really tight and I still don’t know if I’m doing things right or moving right.\u00a0 Or any of it.\u00a0 I – shit, gotta get to work!<\/p>\n

He texted me back!\u00a0 We have another date set for Friiiiiday.\u00a0 He wanted to go out again but I invited him to my place.<\/p>\n

I feel both sick and excited but a little more sick, I think.<\/p>\n

In other more perverted news, I got a new suction cup dildo and it came in while I was at work.<\/p>\n

So, I stuck it to the floor in the kitchen (after cleaning!) and- haha, I rode it.\u00a0 Oh Christ, that position is just, uhh, fuck.\u00a0 So good.\u00a0 I just need to learn to move my hips better.<\/p>\n

I came all over the floor and had to clean it up again.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I’m going to cancel the date.\u00a0 I can’t do it.\u00a0 I’ve been sick to my stomach the whole time.<\/p>\n

At the store, I grabbed a box of condoms and blushed the entire damn time.\u00a0 I couldn’t look the cashier in the eyes.\u00a0 And then I got home and I thought about what I was doing and oh Jesus I don’t think I can actually go through with it.<\/p>\n

I’m so sorry, Eric.\u00a0 Ugh.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Saturday, February 23rd, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tabitha talked to me Friday.\u00a0 Noticed I was looking off and took me aside at lunch.\u00a0 I cried on her shoulder and told her I really liked Eric and really wanted to be with him but I’m a virgin and-<\/p>\n

She was so kind.\u00a0 She listened and we talked and I told her I was afraid.\u00a0 Of being hurt.\u00a0 Because I know.\u00a0 Because of who I was.\u00a0 And how I acted.\u00a0 I didn’t tell her any of that but I told her of my ex, “Tony”.\u00a0 Who used to be abusive.\u00a0 Oh god.\u00a0 I’d told her I was a virgin but then that I was with someone and, uugh.\u00a0 Never mind.<\/p>\n

She listened and held my hand and I cried more.\u00a0 I’m so sorry, Kiera.\u00a0 I hope you were able to get past everything I’d done to you before.\u00a0 To trust again.\u00a0 And to find someone good.<\/p>\n

Tabitha didn’t have any magic words for me.\u00a0 She mostly let me talk.\u00a0 And at the end, she just said that sometimes in life, we had to take chances or else nothing would change.\u00a0 And we would be stuck in a rut, repeating our mistakes and behaviors over and over.\u00a0 That the first step forward is always terrifying.\u00a0 Everything was changing for me (more than she knew!) and it was okay to be afraid and to take my time but that it wasn’t Eric’s fault.<\/p>\n

She said I shouldn’t be afraid to go slow with Eric but to be honest with him.\u00a0 And careful.\u00a0 And to take care of myself first but to be cautious with his feelings too.<\/p>\n

It was wonderful.\u00a0 I hugged her and even paid for her lunch.<\/p>\n

I still had my date.\u00a0 Yesterday.\u00a0 I wore a skirt for the first time in my life.\u00a0 I kept touching it and arranging it because it felt like I wasn’t wearing anything and I worried I was flashing people!<\/p>\n

I changed it so we had dinner out instead.\u00a0 He was very understanding.\u00a0 Bonus points for him.<\/p>\n

And then I took a step and invited him to my apartment to watch a movie with me after dinner.<\/p>\n

And another step when I lay my head against his shoulder on my couch.\u00a0 He held my hand and I could feel it shake a little.\u00a0 I kissed him.\u00a0 Slowly.\u00a0 It was better this time.\u00a0 And then I kissed him again and he turned and put his hands on my hips.\u00a0 God, it felt so good.\u00a0 I gasped when he kissed my neck.\u00a0 Holy shit.\u00a0 Holy crap.\u00a0 So hot and sensitive and his stubble tickled in just the right way.<\/p>\n

You won’t believe me but my hand accidentally<\/em><\/strong> touched his dick and he jumped.\u00a0 I squeezed his junk and kissed him and his hands gripped even tighter.\u00a0 All my grand plans to sit on his lap just melted.\u00a0 I couldn’t bring myself to do it.\u00a0 I wanted him so fucking bad<\/em><\/strong> but I couldn’t take the next step.<\/p>\n

So, he did.\u00a0 He gently laid me down, reached for his shirt and then stopped to ask me if I was okay.\u00a0 I just nodded.\u00a0 I couldn’t even talk.\u00a0 He has a little belly but it’s cute and I forgot all about it when he helped me take my top off.<\/p>\n

We kissed some more and he played with my nipples and, ahhh.\u00a0 Diary.\u00a0 It was incredible.\u00a0 He was awkward and anxious and nervous but careful and he kept checking if I was okay until I wanted to just tell him to fuck me already!<\/p>\n

I remember grabbing his head and back when he started grinding on me.\u00a0 I could feel his hardness against my soaked panties and he just kept rubbing against my clit over and over until my hips just moved and bucked and worked against him.\u00a0 Some kinda magic, I think.<\/p>\n

The words are lost to me.\u00a0 I don’t remember what I said exactly but he pulled my panties off slowly and then I lay there, head and chest pounding.\u00a0 Time froze and I watched him take his pants off.\u00a0 He’s a really nice size, Diary.\u00a0 Not too big or anything and it curves a little!<\/p>\n

The magic broke when he asked where the condoms were.\u00a0 Jesus Christ, I’d almost forgotten them.\u00a0 Took a second but I pointed them out and he grabbed the box.<\/p>\n

I was forgetting everything.\u00a0 All of my master plans of seduction.\u00a0 I’d worked them out in my head every night (and sometimes during the day) when I masturbated.\u00a0 Rubbing my clit and pinching my nipples and imagining myself sucking his dick or riding him or telling him to lick me or anything – all just vwoooop, out of my head as I lay there, burning and aching for him.\u00a0 Just frozen.<\/p>\n

He asked if I was sure and I bit my lip and nodded and (I remember this time) begged him to go slow.<\/p>\n

It hurt even with all the times I used the dildo.\u00a0 But, I was so wet.\u00a0 So incredibly wet.\u00a0 Mind blowing, Diary.\u00a0 I thought dildos were incredible but the feeling of a man inside of me, his dick moving and rubbing, his mouth and teeth on my neck and ears (oh god, my ears) and then kissing me and then sucking my nipples on my little breasts (they never did grow that much bigger) and, oh fuck, TALKING to me.<\/p>\n

I can’t even remember<\/em><\/strong> what he said but just thinking about it makes me wet.<\/p>\n

I do remember calling him “baby” and it felt natural.\u00a0 I never<\/em><\/strong> use words like that but it just rolled off the tongue.\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I do remember he told me how tight I was.\u00a0 Because he had to keep stopping, damn him.\u00a0 Said it’d been a long time for him and he was “out of practice”.<\/p>\n

After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore so I grabbed his ass and pushed him into me and worked my hips.\u00a0 I wasn’t very good at it and he kept trying to stop but I clung to him and told him not to stop, just keep going, oh fuck, just keep going.<\/p>\n

I felt him cum inside of me and I moaned.\u00a0 I can’t not<\/em><\/strong> make sounds, gasping when he’s thrusting and moaning when he’s biting my nipples and, I held him tight, deep inside of me and I could feel him pulsing.\u00a0 I was way too nervous to orgasm but, Jesus Christ, that was the most amazing sex I’ve ever had.\u00a0 So far.<\/p>\n

He tried to move and I begged him to stay inside of me just a little longer.\u00a0 Until I felt him get more and more soft and he slipped out.\u00a0 I lay there while he cleaned up and threw away the condom and then told him to come back.\u00a0 We were both sweaty and his chest hairs tickled me but I held him and fell asleep in his arms.<\/p>\n

We had so much more sex, Diary.\u00a0 And I scratched him really fucking hard when I finally came.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Thursday, July 12th, 2018<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I’m so sorry, I’ve been really busy, Diary.\u00a0 Today is moving day!\u00a0 Eric and I got a bigger apartment together.\u00a0 I’ll write more when I can.\u00a0 I’m so sorry.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Friday, June 7th, 2019<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I said yes and it is the happiest day of my life.<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

Tuesday, October 22nd, 2019<\/em><\/strong><\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n

I heard its heartbeat for the first time today and I cried and cried and cried.\u00a0 Eric held my hand the entire time, his forehead on mine.<\/p>\n

I’m so scared.\u00a0 We talked about it for such a long time and I can’t even explain it.\u00a0 It’s not something I ever thought I wanted.\u00a0 My own parents, well, my father was abusive and my mother was doped up almost all the time in order to deal with him.<\/p>\n

I’ve been going to therapy a little after Eric and I started dating (god, that feels like forever ago) and talk of having kids has been the topic of conversation for months and months and months.\u00a0 I had such a shitty life growing up.\u00a0 I was a terrible man (btw, Kiera is married too now!) and have done things in my life that I’ll regret forever.<\/p>\n

This is my chance to try again and pass on some of the tremendous love I’ve found in my life.\u00a0 I need to balance the scales a little.<\/p>\n

I’m terrified and yet so hopeful at this new life within me.<\/p>\n

This is the last time I write.\u00a0 When the little one is born, I’ve asked my husband (ahh, some day I’ll get tired of saying it, I suppose.\u00a0 maybe.) to bury a locked box and plant a seed above it.\u00a0 I thought about burning you but I can’t.\u00a0 Instead, you’ll be there beneath my son or daughter’s tree as it grows.<\/p>\n

I’m grateful for this second chance.<\/p>\n

Mrs. Hannah Wilkeson n\u00e9e Miller<\/em><\/p>\n

2019<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When given pills to help with his aggression, a man finds himself changing more than his attitude.   Thursday, January 4th, 2018 Dear diary, Fuck you.\u00a0 And fuck you too, Dr. Swalley. Friday, January 12th, 2018   This is the Continue reading Dear Diary<\/span>→<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[151,150,185,180,8,26,25,30,171,298,301,217,129,9,18],"class_list":["post-664","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-story","tag-be","tag-breast-enlargement","tag-forced-change","tag-forced-changes","tag-mf","tag-m2f","tag-male-to-female","tag-mental-changes","tag-mtf","tag-personality-changes","tag-physical-changes","tag-slutty","tag-tg","tag-transformation","tag-transgender"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p42NMN-aI","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=664"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":665,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664\/revisions\/665"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hidden-shelf.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}